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MIA avatar MIA

Jokes...

Mon, Mar 26, 2012 at 1:56 PM

I've kept this one for years and still LMAO....

>If you can read this whole story about a Texas Chili Contest without laughing then there's no hope for you.
>
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
>
>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2:
>Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank): Holy shit,
>what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
>driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
>worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2:
>Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3:
>Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
>to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
>me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
>the look on my face.
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Judge # 2: A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
>me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
>all of the beer.
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #
>2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
>mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3: I felt something scraping
>across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
>taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
>refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
>nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2: Chili using shredded
>beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
>strong statement. Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
>my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
>behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
>her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
>bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
>I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
>asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers. Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight
>pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I
>farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
>inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips
>anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge # 3.He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably. Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
>pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
>world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
>chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
>to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
>me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
>getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
>the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2: This final entry
>is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
>of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled
>the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
>poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3
>- No Report

"e"

Replies to This Posting

  1. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Wed, Mar 28, 2012 at 1:38 PM

    hehe, some good ones here...DG i'm still laughing...what men would do if they had a vagina for a day LOLOL

    What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
    Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!


    A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

    Why don't aliens eat clowns.
    Because they taste funny.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh

    Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

    What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
    el-if-i-no


    "e"

  2. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Thu, Mar 29, 2012 at 11:45 AM

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


    Keep reading-they get better!!!

    WOMEN'S REVENGE

    'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished
    to purchase.

    As she fumbled for her wallet, I
    noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

    'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

    'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with
    me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the
    aisles..

    The sales girl notices him and
    asks him if she can help him.

    He answers that he is looking for a
    box of tampons for his wife.

    She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
    counter.

    She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking
    for some tampons for your wife?

    He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
    store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

    So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she...

    (I figure this guy is the one
    on the milk carton!)

    "e"

  3. RE: Jokes...

    Thu, Mar 29, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    hahhahah they are really good !!!!

  4. RE: Jokes...

    Thu, Mar 29, 2012 at 2:27 PM

    I will steal one for my facebook status

  5. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 8:51 AM


    "e"

  6. RE: Jokes...

    Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 12:45 PM

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". 
    _-=~>•)
    'Tis now the very witching time of night,
    Let me be cruel, not unnatural:
    I will speak daggers to her, but use none;
    _-=~>•)
    Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.

  7. RE: Jokes...

    Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 1:23 PM

    :) nice joke DG :)

    If strippers are now called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacists.

  8. RE: Jokes...

    Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 1:24 PM

    I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew. :)

  9. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 12:02 PM

    Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
    A: Would you like fries with that?

    Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.


    Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
    A: You get your job and your wife back.

    "e"

  10. RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 1:21 PM

    When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realise my voice is worse than my problems...

    I used to use illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.

    At Airport Arrivals: a customs official and a passenger: “Nationality?” “German.” “Occupation?” “No, just a vacation.”

  11. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 1:39 PM

    When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realise my voice is worse than my problems...


    LMAO!!! that's a great one.... LOL
    "e"

  12. RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 1:47 PM

  13. MIA avatar MIA

    Re: Jokes...

    Thu, May 10, 2012 at 7:03 AM

    A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
    A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
    The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student , shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



    "e"

  14. Re: Jokes...

    Thu, May 10, 2012 at 10:14 AM

    My joke? My job. Been here 8+ years, started on April Fool's Day. There's the punchline.

    (sorry, not been the best few weeks, I'm over this, but the mortgage demands that I stay put)

  15. MIA avatar MIA

    Re: Jokes...

    Thu, May 10, 2012 at 11:36 AM

    Sorry to hear Marley. It's amazing what we put up with to pay the bills.
    "e"

  16. Re: Jokes...

    Fri, May 11, 2012 at 6:05 AM

    Return your keys

    Before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to several girls and one guy. Before some toasts were made, the best man said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married and is no longer available, it is probably a good idea to have any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to please turn it in now." Then the pre-selected girls (about thirty of them) slowly walked up and handed in their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit; some of the girls would turn in not just one key, but six or seven of them. Then the guy walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.

    ~Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.~
    **Martin Luther King Jr.**

  17. Re: Jokes...

    Fri, May 11, 2012 at 11:10 AM

    What is worse than ten hard naked men walkin in a circle?... One stopping.
    Getting back, Back on track, Get off of my back

  18. Re: Jokes...

    Sat, May 12, 2012 at 7:34 PM

    I am still in tears from the chili and the cat diary!!!


    Where do you get Virgin Wool?

    From ugly sheep!

    Hee Hee
    Georgia

  19. Re: Jokes...

    Sun, May 13, 2012 at 5:40 AM

    Some of you ladies may have seen this, it's been around awhile... but that doesn't make it any less funny!

    WAX is NOT your friend
    CAUTION: Be prepared to laugh out loud... I laughed till I almost cried as I could just see this happening! (And I feel it too!)

    All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal- The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair, and now... The wax.

    My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

    It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

    No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

    (Y A THINK!?!)

    So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, "yeah... Right!")

    I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

    It works!

    Ok, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

    I can do this!

    Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

    With me next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

    I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo* and stretching down to t he inside of my butt cheek.

    (Yes, it was a long strip)
    I inhale deeply and brace myself... RRRRIIIPPP!

    I'm blind! Blinded from pain!... OH MY GOD!

    Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP!

    Another deep breathe and RRIIPP!

    Everything is swirly and spotted.

    I think I may pass out... Must stay conscious...

    Do I hear crashing drums?

    Breathe, breathe...

    OK, back to normal.

    I want to see my trophy- a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

    I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it.

    Where is the hair? WHERE IS THE WAX?

    Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet.

    I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip.

    I touch. I am touching wax.

    CRAP!

    I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, wh ich I s now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

    Then I make the next BIG mistake... Remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet?

    I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

    DANG!

    I hear the slamming of a cell door.

    "hoo-hoo"? Sealed shut!

    Butt? Sealed shut!

    I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!"

    What can I do to melt the wax? Hot water! Hot water melts wax!

    I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?

    WRONG!

    I get in the tub- the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment- I sit.

    Now, the only th ing worse than having your nether regions glued together is having them glued together a n d then glued to the bottom of the tub.. In scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

    So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!

    God bless the man who had convinced me a few moths ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!

    I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter- "So, my butt and who-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!"

    There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we talking cheeks or who-ha?"

    She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YE AH! RIGHT! ! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

    While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!

    By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

    My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point?

    I rub some on and OH MY GOD!

    The scream probably woke the kids and scared the ens out of my friend.

    It's so painful, but I really don't care.

    "IT WORKS! It works!"

    I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up.

    I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice t o my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!

    So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts.

    I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

    Next week I'm going to try hair color.... Now that's funny...... Notttt.

    Georgia

  20. MIA avatar MIA

    Re: Jokes...

    Mon, May 14, 2012 at 9:03 AM

    Georgia wrote:
    I am still in tears from the chili and the cat diary!!!


    I LOVE THE CHILLI ONE - LMAO!!!!!
    "e"