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MIA avatar MIA

Jokes...

Mon, Mar 26, 2012 at 1:56 PM

I've kept this one for years and still LMAO....

>If you can read this whole story about a Texas Chili Contest without laughing then there's no hope for you.
>
>Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park.
>
>
>Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
>Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".
>
>Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
>
>CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
>Judge # 1: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2:
>Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 (Frank): Holy shit,
>what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
>driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the
>worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
>Judge # 1: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2:
>Exciting BBQ flavor needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3:
>Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
>to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
>me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
>the look on my face.
>
>CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
>Judge # 1: Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
>Judge # 2: A bit salty, good use of peppers.
>Judge # 3: Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
>like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
>me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
>backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from
>all of the beer.
>
>CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
>Judge # 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge #
>2: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
>mild foods, not much of a chili. Judge # 3: I felt something scraping
>across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
>taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh
>refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT...just like this
>nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
>
>CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
>Judge # 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2: Chili using shredded
>beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a
>strong statement. Judge # 3: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
>my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
>behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
>her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
>bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
>I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
>asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
>Judge # 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
>spices and peppers. Judge # 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3: My intestines are now a straight
>pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I
>farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems
>inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips
>anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
>CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
>Judge # 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>Judge # 2: Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge # 3.He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably. Judge # 3: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
>pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
>world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with
>chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava
>to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed
>me. I've decided to stop breathing it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not
>getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through
>the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
>Judge # 1: The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2: This final entry
>is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most
>of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled
>the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it.
>poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili? Judge # 3
>- No Report

"e"

Replies to This Posting

  1. RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Mar 26, 2012 at 2:23 PM

    I don't get it.
    _-=~>•)
    'Tis now the very witching time of night,
    Let me be cruel, not unnatural:
    I will speak daggers to her, but use none;
    _-=~>•)
    Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.

  2. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Mar 26, 2012 at 2:28 PM

    really...

    Judge 3's comments with the chilli...it's so friggin hot - spicey etc and he's dieing and for the other judges it's mild, small kick to it. Does nothing for them really.

    LMAO....!!!!
    "e"

  3. RE: Jokes...

    Tue, Mar 27, 2012 at 1:44 PM

    Wow.. We have totally different senses of humor.
    _-=~>•)
    'Tis now the very witching time of night,
    Let me be cruel, not unnatural:
    I will speak daggers to her, but use none;
    _-=~>•)
    Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.

  4. RE: Jokes...

    Tue, Mar 27, 2012 at 1:54 PM

    #6 especially. You have no idea how hard it is to cross your legs without rearranging your balls.

    what men would do if they had a vagina for a day
    10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

    9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

    8. See if they could finally do the splits.

    7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

    6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

    5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

    4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

    3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

    2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

    1. Finally find that damned G-spot.
    _-=~>•)
    'Tis now the very witching time of night,
    Let me be cruel, not unnatural:
    I will speak daggers to her, but use none;
    _-=~>•)
    Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.

  5. RE: Jokes...

    Tue, Mar 27, 2012 at 2:32 PM

    10 years ago we had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash...
    Now we have no jobs, no hope and no cash.
    Please God, let Kevin Bacon live!!

  6. RE: Jokes...

    Tue, Mar 27, 2012 at 2:33 PM

    Some people just need a pat.. on the head.. with a hammer. And a high five.. in the face.. with a chair. and a hug ... around the neck ... with a rope


  7. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Wed, Mar 28, 2012 at 9:20 AM

    LOL LOL


    DOG DIARY
    >
    > 8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
    >
    > 11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
    >
    >
    >
    > CAT DIARY
    >
    > Day 983 of my captivity.
    >
    > My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
    >
    > They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash
    > or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
    > perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
    > strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
    >
    > In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
    >
    > Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet.
    > I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly
    > demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending
    > comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
    >
    > There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
    > in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
    > the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
    > the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
    > my advantage.
    >
    > Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
    > tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
    > again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
    >
    > I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
    > The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to
    > be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!
    >
    >
    >

    "e"

  8. RE: Jokes...

    Wed, Mar 28, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    Halloween Things that Sound Dirty.... But Aren't:
    She's a goblin!

    I'd like to get a little something in the sack.

    Let me see your bag....OH!-You're having a great night!

    Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

    She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch.

    If you just lick it, it'll last longer.

    Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth

    You scared me stiff!

    He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor.
    _-=~>•)
    'Tis now the very witching time of night,
    Let me be cruel, not unnatural:
    I will speak daggers to her, but use none;
    _-=~>•)
    Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.

  9. RE: Jokes...

    Wed, Mar 28, 2012 at 1:17 PM

    lol lol
    the cat diary :) :) perfect

  10. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Wed, Mar 28, 2012 at 1:38 PM

    hehe, some good ones here...DG i'm still laughing...what men would do if they had a vagina for a day LOLOL

    What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?
    Everyone can chop beef, but not everyone can pea soup!


    A magician was driving down the road..then he turned into a drive way...

    Why don't aliens eat clowns.
    Because they taste funny.

    What do you call a fish with no eyes?
    A fsh

    Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".

    What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
    el-if-i-no


    "e"

  11. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Thu, Mar 29, 2012 at 11:45 AM

    WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.


    Keep reading-they get better!!!

    WOMEN'S REVENGE

    'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished
    to purchase.

    As she fumbled for her wallet, I
    noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

    'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

    'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with
    me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'

    CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the
    aisles..

    The sales girl notices him and
    asks him if she can help him.

    He answers that he is looking for a
    box of tampons for his wife.

    She directs him down the correct aisle.

    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the
    counter.

    She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking
    for some tampons for your wife?

    He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the
    store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

    So, I figure if I have to roll my own . so does she...

    (I figure this guy is the one
    on the milk carton!)

    "e"

  12. RE: Jokes...

    Thu, Mar 29, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    hahhahah they are really good !!!!

  13. RE: Jokes...

    Thu, Mar 29, 2012 at 2:27 PM

    I will steal one for my facebook status

  14. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 8:51 AM


    "e"

  15. RE: Jokes...

    Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 12:45 PM

    As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

    She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". 
    _-=~>•)
    'Tis now the very witching time of night,
    Let me be cruel, not unnatural:
    I will speak daggers to her, but use none;
    _-=~>•)
    Because I could not stop for Death, He kindly stopped for me.

  16. RE: Jokes...

    Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 1:23 PM

    :) nice joke DG :)

    If strippers are now called exotic dancers then drug dealers should be called exotic pharmacists.

  17. RE: Jokes...

    Fri, Mar 30, 2012 at 1:24 PM

    I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. When I called you stupid, I really thought you already knew. :)

  18. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 12:02 PM

    Q: What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
    A: Would you like fries with that?

    Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins.


    Q: What happens if you sing country music backwards?
    A: You get your job and your wife back.

    "e"

  19. RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 1:21 PM

    When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realise my voice is worse than my problems...

    I used to use illegal substances to blur the lines of reality. Now, I just take off my glasses.

    At Airport Arrivals: a customs official and a passenger: “Nationality?” “German.” “Occupation?” “No, just a vacation.”

  20. MIA avatar MIA

    RE: Jokes...

    Mon, Apr 9, 2012 at 1:39 PM

    When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realise my voice is worse than my problems...


    LMAO!!! that's a great one.... LOL
    "e"